It turns out that Kevin Costner, of wooden actor fame, was the one who was masturbating at St. Andrews.

Allegedly, Costner was on his honeymoon with his new wife when he went for a massage, decided to take the towel off, and manually released himself in front of the masseuse. Since this was a high end place and not a Bangkok brothel, the masseuse was mortified. She complained to her superiors and was sacked.

I continue to be amazed at what famous people think they can get away with. Shit, most of the time they DO get away with anything they want.

Some of you may remember Costner from the film Waterworld. I remember him as that terribly wooden actor who speaks in a monotone voice with absolutely no dynamics or apparent acting talent. Possibly the most boring actor in American history.

Well, let’s go ahead and add him to the list of public wankers. You know it wasn’t the first time he’s done it. He’s probably masturbated up and down Sunset Boulevard. Restaurants, night clubs, boutiques—the whole shebang.

I have to add that when I was on my honeymoon, the last thing on my mind was masturbating in front of a strange woman. I preferred to do it in the hotel pool in full view of everyone. But I kid. IÂ’m a kidder.

I give the marriage another month.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 07:40 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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After reading this, in which Oorgo gets spayed like an English Sheep dog, my testicles hurt. I know is all in my head, but my balls hurt none-the-less. How could they not?

I canÂ’t imagine experiencing this:

“Don't believe them when they say it doesn't hurt… It felt like somebody plugged a 9 volt battery onto one of my boys: electric shooting pain.”

IÂ’m sorry, but thereÂ’s no way IÂ’m ever doing that. Meanwhile, back at the scene of the crime, it gets worse:

“Follow the instruction for pre-op. If they say shave the area, shave the friggin area. You really don't want some grumpy bitch in scrubs taking a hoe to your private parts, the one who did mine apparently thought she was working in the friggin garden or scraping of her windshield.”

I canÂ’t imagine having my groin shaved by a stranger. At least it was a woman. Imagine if a 300 pound man in an Italian sweater came in and started lathering you up? How many years of therapy are we talking about?

My rule is simple. NO ELECTIVE SURGERY.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 07:04 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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As a guy who spends a lot of time on planes I find this especially troubling.

The airlines have come up with a new answer to an old question: How many passengers can be squeezed into economy class?

A lot more, it turns out, especially if an idea still in the early stage should catch on: standing-room-only "seats."

Airbus has been quietly pitching the standing-room-only option to Asian carriers, though none have agreed to it yet. Passengers in the standing section would be propped against a padded backboard, held in place with a harness, according to experts who have seen a proposal.

Air travel is already heinous. The seats are packed together so tightly that I have to bring a bag to put my feet in if IÂ’m not in business class. People are so close together that the air is fucking toxic.

No one obeys the rules, i.e., even with the seatbelt light on, the aisles are crammed with people walking up and down beating the shit out of your elbows if youÂ’re on the aisle, and now this.

Can you imagine standing room only? I donÂ’t know what people are thinking anymore. I dare them. I double dare them.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 07:41 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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If youÂ’re going to ride a bicycle, just for putting around town, is it mandatory to wear the full-on spandex uniform?

Because the old bastard that was riding in the middle of the fucking road during lunch hour looked like he was in the goddamned Tour-de-France, except that he was traveling at 2 mph and he was 106 years old. Did I mention that the bike was a beach cruiser?

I wish that I could accurately describe what this idiot was wearingÂ…he looked like he was prepared for some kind of swim meet in the Arctic Circle. I missed two lights thanks to that old bastard.

Is everyone who rides a bike required to don the full regalia?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:53 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I was reading this article, which mentions that cockfighting is still legal in New Mexico and I was completely blown away.

“The governor added the arguments for and against cock fighting have been strong on both sides.”

Man, I’d love to hear the “for” argument.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:57 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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IÂ’m instituting a new feature here at SBD. Since IÂ’m a cultural kind of guy IÂ’ve decided to share my vast expertise on all things cultural every Friday. Or until I get bored.

TodayÂ’s topic: Art Appreciation

The first thing we need to address is the fact that art is subjective. One man’s masterpiece is another mans complete and total piece of shit. With that said, let me tell you how I feel about modern art—I think it blows. If it looks like my kid painted it, I really don’t have much respect for it. Critics say that “Modern Art” embodies anything done since about 1800, but my definition is anything that looks like a second grader painted it.

I particularly enjoy paintings from the Renaissance period, like RaphaelÂ’s Woman With A Veil. Note how you can tell what the fuck it is, unlike, say, modern art. What appeals most to me about this piece is how the woman is looking directly at you whilst gently fondling her breast.

The Baroque period offers some of historyÂ’s finest works. LetÂ’s take a look at RembrandtÂ’s The Anatomy Lesson. Check out the look on the face of the guy holding the book. ThatÂ’s art.

ItÂ’s important at this point to make to make a distinction. Rembrandt, Raphael, El Greco is art. Throwing oneÂ’s own feces at a canvas or anything having to with soup cans is shite. This is an important distinction and you may want to write that down.

But back to the baroque period. YouÂ’ll notice a lot of semi-naked fat chicks, so if thatÂ’s your thing, youÂ’ve really hit the jackpot.

I generally skip right over the Neoclassical period. I donÂ’t knowÂ…it lacksÂ…chicks fondling their own breasts.

As far as modern art (by criticÂ’s definition) the realists and the impressionists have done some great work. RenoirÂ’s osHermanas.jpg">On the Terrace is a great example of masterful use of colors, yet you still know exactly what youÂ’re looking at.

Post Impressionism, Cubism, Abstract and other styles of modern art generally blow, but then again, itÂ’s all subjective.

Oddly, I can appreciate Surrealism and in particular Salvadore Dali. His ream_Caused_by_the_Flight_of_a_Bumblebee_around_a_Pomegranate_a_Second_Before_Awakening.jpg">Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bumblebee Around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening is very intense as is his ali_Self-portrait.jpg">Self Portrait.

Next Friday weÂ’ll look at cinema, which is a much more cultural way of saying movies.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:41 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I donÂ’t want to hear one more fucking word about Tom Cruise, his fucking robot wife or his spawn of Xenu.

Somebody needs to tell me why this constitutes front page news every day. HeÂ’s fucking certifiable and unraveling more every second. His publicists have gone the Michael Jackson rout and pushed him even farther over the top trying to prove heÂ’s normalÂ…and have failed miserably.

At this point I think itÂ’s a pretty close race between him and Michael Jackson for the heavyweight title of CRAZIEST MOFO ON EARTH.

IÂ’ve had it. IÂ’ve really, really had it. And my pick is definitely Maverick. Jackson is nuts, and really disgusting, and probably a criminal, but Maverick is stone cold crazy.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 06:59 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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And I still have nothing.

Apropos of nothing, when I was in the sixth grade I was walking home from school and this kid started pushing me. His name was Eddie something and he was very peculiar looking. I donÂ’t remember what his problem was but he pushed me and pushed me and very quickly a bunch of other kids gathered around in a big circle.

I stood there, somewhat dumbfounded and tried to think of why this kid wanted to fight. This really peculiar looking kid. Anyway, he said he was going to kick my ass and tried to push me a third time so I punched him in the mouth. I wasnÂ’t a tough guy, it was fight or flight. Regardless, I smacked him good on the jaw and for some reason he went berserker.

“You punched me in the mouth! You punched me in the mouth!”

He was holding his jaw and he was really outraged.

“Now I’m going to kick your ass!” he said.

He took a step forward and I punched him the mouth again. This time he was spitting blood and even more outraged than he was the first time.

“You made my lip bleed!”

Up until this time I had said nothing. I was just standing there; I never even raised my hands. This time I turned around and continued walking home. IÂ’d gotten a few steps when I heard him approaching at a trot. I turned as he was poised to hit, and now, infuriated, I punched him three times squarely in the face and he lay there crying.

I walked home without further incident. And sometimes even now, some thirty years later, I wonder just what the hell his problem was.

Man, he was really peculiar looking.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 12:20 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Last night I cranked up the amp to eleven and played for the first time in some weeks. And as I ran through ClaptonÂ’s version of Crossroads I realized, not for the first time, that it was the epitome of blues rock, absolutely second to none.

Eddie Van Halen once said that that was arguably the best guitar solo ever recorded, and that statement certainly has some merit. It also lead me to outlining in my head the defining moments of rock history. ItÂ’s funny, but sometimes when I play I think of other things and have moments of profound clarity whilst in the middle of a face melting solo.

Anyway, these are what I believe to be the defining moments in rock history.

ElvisÂ’s recordings at Sun Studios: Groundbreaking recordings of a white guy singing what was essentially black music. Also the beginning of what would become the greatest culture theft in modern times.

The Beatles on Ed Sullivan: The mass hysteria at the airport, the creaming of young girls panties and the beginning of the British Invasion. We will never see a band generate so much intensity again.

Chuck Berry literally invents the rock guitar riff: The intro to songs like Johnny B. Good and Maybelene become the stepping stones of almost every guitar riff in the rock guitar handbook.

Dylan turns the Beatles on to smoking pot: Ever wonder how the Beatles went from I Want to Hold Your Hand to Glass Onion? You bet your life thatÂ’s what did it. Dylan going electric gets an honorable mention as well.

The Beach Boys release Pet Sounds: The masterpiece that turned rock on itÂ’s head and inspired the next bombshellÂ…

The Beatles record Sgt. Pepper on 4 track: George Martin should get a lot of credit for this as well. This album changed everything forever. Rock would never be the same again as other influences are mixed in and limitations are erased. The day after the album was released, Jimi Hendrix opened a live show with a cover version of the title track. Aside from the masterpiece of music that it was, it was also the first time (I think) that lyrics are printed on the album sleeve. And the whole album cover design ushered in a new era.

The Stone’s Altamont Fiasco: The Stone’s play a free show in San Francisco using the Hell’s Angels as security. A murder was caught on film and the “Summer of Love” officially ended.

Stairway: Led Zeppelin conquers the known world.

Dark Side of the Moon: What can anyone say? Enter prog rock.

Ziggy Stardust: Enter glam rock.

God Save the Queen: The Sex Pistols sell the swindle. Enter punk rock and with it people who have no idea how to play instruments. Counter culture or ringing cash registerÂ…you make the call.

The 80s kill rock music as we know it: A long, long time agoÂ…I can still remember whenÂ…those good old boys were drinking whiskey and ryeÂ…

MTV plays black artists: After being under the fire for years MTV begins playing black artists, and in the process popularizes rap.

Seattle: Nirvana, Pearl Jam, et. al.

Music sharing: Copyright? What the fuck are you talking about?

The great wasteland: A shitload of bands that all sound like Creed (who sounds like Pearl Jam) clog up the airwaves with brooding bullshit of no substance or creativity whatsoever.

The iPod : People now carry around their entire music collection in a device smaller than a cell phone.

And there we have it.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:35 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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IÂ’m not addicted to computer games but I like them. Strategy games mostly. Well, exclusively. Anyway, having run Rome: Total War and the expansion pack into the ground I needed a new game to help dull my senses from reality.

In what was possibly the stupidest decision I have ever made I purchased The Sims 2. As I mentioned before, I mainly play strategy games and for the most part they involve military planning, so how did I end up with this ridiculous title? I researched the best strategy games and found out this was, like, the most popular game in history or some shit.

So anyway, IÂ’ve had the thing for a week or so and IÂ’ve never hated a game so much in my life. The fucking tedium involved is unbelievable. Tell your sim to go to the bathroom? Tell your sim to go to work? Tell your sim to eat? ItÂ’s the worst torture IÂ’ve ever endured. ItÂ’s like living my life all over again in a microcosm of mouse clicks.

Can someone please tell me what is fun about this? Day after day in the life of this thing itÂ’s the same shit. Go pee. Now eat cereal. Now got to bed. Jesus Christ, I feel violated by this thing. I feel like I paid $39.99 to be tortured to death by the banality of a fake life even worse than my own. Last night I sat there like an idiot, micromanaging this things bladder, the whole time perplexed by the fact that anyone could finding this fucking horror show enjoyable. Life is horrible. ThatÂ’s why IÂ’m playing a fucking game! To escape the horrors of peeing and eating and interacting with others. IÂ’ve never been so goddamned depressed in my life, except for the realization that other people actually enjoy doing this. ThatÂ’s the real kicker. There are millions of people out there who actually embrace this fucking tedium. Jesus Christ, whereÂ’s the Tylenol?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 08:04 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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*And by free we mean, you can say whatever you want as long as a violence veto is not in place against said speech. Oh, and if We define it as intolerant, well, We'll just gather a mob together and destroy it. Because that's what America is all about. more...

Posted by: shank at 12:10 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Saw this wonderful holiday greeting and just wanted to share it with ya'll as we kick off the Easter weekend.

Posted by: shank at 05:47 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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You know, every once in a while something comes along that's really irritating. It's so mind-bogglingly vexing, so obviously inane, that it actually causes me physical and mental harm. Some people are so stupid, I'm not sure if we're members of the same species.

more...

Posted by: shank at 12:26 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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So...
The Old Testament is the story of a people who escaped persecution by an absolutist society who branded them as inhuman slaves, because of their religious beliefs.

And the New Testament is the story of an evangelist who's people were branded as fringe moonbats by the pious, because of their religious beliefs.

And yet we (the agnostics, the doubters, the skeptics, the too-cool-for-old-world-philosphy) claim that the Bible is just a collection of stories, parables, for disemenation among the masses - religiously contexted propaganda.

OHO! Yet we fail to see it as a history of human predilection - we believe, therefore we kill. Systems rise, and systems fall - regardless of which system is right, the most powerful wins. But where do WE lie, the United States, with all our gloriously mixed culture and 'Democratic' cries for the acceptance of 'The Other'? God, liberals and their emotions - why don't they ever wake up to the real issues? To the difference between what it means to 'believe' in something, and what it means to make a society work? I dunno, leave that to the pundits I guess.

My thoughts, penny-a-piece as they may be? Welcome to the country. Join and be a part of the amalgamate; because that's what the US is: A motley fucking crew. I just don't get why an outisder would want to be a part of it SO MUCH that they would march on major cities, when the 'rest' of the world is calling us imperialists. Odd, don't you think?

Posted by: shank at 07:46 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I tell ya guys, I've been party to some embarrassing shit in my day. Of course, it wasn't always my fault per se. But the vast majority of the time, I have to admit I've got no one else to blame.

Like that time at RJ's.

more...

Posted by: shank at 01:43 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Long time, no blog.

Someone cared enough to call and see if I was dead or not, which I appreciated greatly. Very sexy phone voice—probably a hottie. I suspect she may have a 900 number. And for the record, she sounded warm, sincere and had a nice laugh.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:38 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Bumper sticker seen on the I-85:

I'd rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than drive home with Ted Kennedy.

Posted by: Jim at 04:42 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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So the thesis thing went okay. Actually, the professor basically shredded my thesis into little bits; which she sprinkled on the floor of her office while skipping cirlces around the chair I was sitting in. I could swear she was humming a tune too. Hmm... At any rate, I'll be reworking it again this week and probably this weekend, the good news is I get to chop huge portions of it out as long as I enclose the pertinent data. Which really is nice, because when it comes to writing papers and analyses; I'm a pretty brief guy. Hate that academic mumbo-jumbo BS. Give me the info I need to make a decision, everything else can go in some appendix somewhere.

On an unrelated note, if you're petitioning for full citizenship in a country; and demonstrating hundreds of thousands strong in the streets of a major metropolis, it might aid your cause if you were to, let's say, avoid mugging photogs milling about. Oh, and even more importantly, please don't disgrace the flag: more...

Posted by: shank at 03:03 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Finished! Finished. The draft for my thesis is complete; thanks in large part to the two gallons of orange juice that were left in the refridgerator from the wedding day (we had breakfast at the church) and those Zep live bootlegs Paul sent me a while back. It was hard to get the ball rolling on this sucker, I totally wasn't into it; but I'm done now. I'm going to go sit on the porch, listen to In My Time of Dying one more time through, and wait for that pot roast to finish up. And for Duke to bring me some beer from the store.

With all due respect buddy, hurry it up.

Posted by: shank at 05:41 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I should be finishing my thesis right now, but I'd much rather drink a beer on the porch and listen to my Sublime collection. Fucking school's a waste of my time right now anyways. I could pack a shotgun with one of my turds, shoot it at a couple sheets of paper, turn it in, and still graduate. All they want is happy alumni anyways; you know, to pay dues and donate buildings and shit. Liberal academia is obviously smoking way too much homegrown if they think I'm going to be giving them any money in this life. They got my tuition, they got two years of my life; the rest is mine biotches.

I'm convinced my wife's cat is evil. And I'm not talking naturally, blamelessly, I-was-born-this-way evil. I'm talking about that 'I enjoy being a wicked cunt and I'll never go away no matter how many times you throw me over the back fence' kind of evil. Ask anyone, the goddamn beast is straight from hell. I keep hoping she'll wander out to the four lane and get insta-puréed by some fully loaded dump truck doing fifty-five.

She hates being petted. She'll actually crawl up in your shit while you're laying on the couch, shove her head in your hands to be scratched, then fifteen minutes later she'll hiss at you and scamper off. What a fucking bitch eh? And when she hisses all up in your face and shit, it smells absolutley horrible. I don't know how many of you people have been forced (by marriage or other such trickery) into living with a cat, but the food they fucking eat is nasty. It smells like a homeless crackwhore's hatchetwound, and when they hiss in your face it's like the nasty street bitch is sitting on your face. The cat did that hissing in my face thing once. ONCE.

The cat doesn't really like me. Which is fine by me, because I'm pulling for her to get fucked to death by one of the stray neighborhood tom's. You know, I don't have the heart to kill her myself, and I asked my wife how pissed she'd be if I just threw her cat in the car and drove it up the coast a few hours and tossed it out. She wasn't too enthused, so I'm relegated to wishing death upon the evil little fucker.

Die cat, die.

Posted by: shank at 04:07 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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